The Year of "Firsts" Without Your Loved Ones
If you have recently lost a loved one, then you will have to face "The Year of Firsts."
The year of firsts refers to the first year that you experience a significant life event (like holidays, birthdays, weddings, and the birth of a child) without your loved one.
After losing my mom in October 2018, the very first holiday coming up was Thanksgiving. All I could think about was the year before and how happy everyone was. My mom made her usual dishes, the turkey, dressing, macaroni, and cheese, and I made everything else.
All the kids had to do was show up hungry.
I dreaded Thanksgiving 2018. I couldn't bring myself to cook. Honestly, I'm not sure that I'll ever cook on Thanksgiving again -- only if my kids ask me to. It's just not the same.
Nevertheless, it would help if you did not cheat your remaining family out of the holiday - so you'll need to muster the strength to get through.
I knew I didn't have the will to cook, so I made reservations at a popular restaurant so that we could all be together. It was the hardest thing I had to - it was an equally sad moment for all because Miss Bee was missing.
Somehow, we found some moments of warmth and laughter during our restaurant Thanksgiving meal. Deep down inside, I was glad that I had at least my remaining family to spend that time with.
We decided that even at the restaurant, we'd include an empty chair and place flowers in it and call Miss Bee's spirit in the room. After all, her soul was still on the long journey in the heavenly realm, so maybe her soul was aware that it was Thanksgiving. We wanted her to know her seat was still there.
You will get through the year of firsts; however, I would suggest that you find a healthy way to include your loved one (s) in order to quell the pain of their absence.
You can accomplish this in a few ways, such as:
placing a bouquet in an empty chair in remembrance of your loved one
sharing fond memories of your loved one
visiting your loved one's final resting place on that particular day
preparing their favorite recipes on the special day, and
participating in an activity that your departed loved one enjoyed, such as feeding the homeless at the homeless shelter.
Whatever you do, don't ignore your feelings or the feelings of others reeling from the loss. Step into those feelings and be present in those feelings. It's okay to feel the hurt and the loss. It's okay to wish they were there. It's okay to be angry that they are not.
It's also okay to be grateful for who remains in your life, who is still here with you, and what you do have.
You will make it through. I'm currently experiencing my year of "Seconds", and I feel optimistic that we will get through.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a published author of 5 books and is a blogger on sudden and traumatic grief and loss.
@kinyattagraytheauther
Kinyattagray.com