Why Do Some People Only Relate to You When You’re in Struggle?

There’s something that’s been sitting with me lately. I posted about my roots, growing up in the hood, sharing a part of my story that shaped who I am today. It was a post meant to highlight the resilience, lessons, and strength I gained from that part of my life. I wasn’t expecting much response, just wanted to reflect on where I’ve been.

But then a family member commented something that caught me off guard: “This makes you relatable.”

At first, I didn’t think much of it, but it started to bother me. Why? Because that same family member has rarely, if ever, commented on posts where I share my current successes — my journey as an author, my work as an entrepreneur, winning prestigious awards, or the impact I’m making through my non-profit. Suddenly, my story is “relatable” when I talk about struggle, but not when I talk about the abundance and success I’ve worked so hard for?

Why does this happen? Especially from people who are the closest to us?

Struggle: The Common Ground

The reality is that many people can easily connect with your struggles because it reminds them of their own. Pain, hardship, and adversity are universal experiences. When you talk about tough times, it resonates on a deep level — they feel seen in your struggle because it mirrors theirs. But here’s the flip side: when you rise beyond those challenges and step into success, some people may find it harder to relate. Not because they don’t want to, but because your growth challenges their own self-perception.

Here’s why I think this happens, especially with people who are closest to us:

1. Familiarity Breeds Comfort
   Your family and friends have known you in your most vulnerable states. They’ve seen you struggle, fall, and maybe even fail. That version of you feels “familiar” to them. Your success, on the other hand, represents growth and change, which can feel threatening to their sense of connection with you.

2. Success Highlights Their Own Insecurities
   For some, seeing someone they know succeed triggers their own insecurities. Your wins may remind them of the things they haven’t accomplished yet, which can be uncomfortable. It’s easier to celebrate a struggle because it doesn’t shine a spotlight on what they feel they’re missing.

3. The Desire to Hold You Back (Even if Unconsciously)
   This one’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s true. Sometimes, the people closest to us are the ones who subconsciously try to hold us back. They can feel left behind as you grow, and they may unintentionally try to keep you “relatable” by acknowledging only the parts of your life they are comfortable with.

So, how do we overcome this without letting it get to us?

3 Ways to Overcome This Mentality

1. Own Your Growth, Even If Others Don’t Acknowledge It
   You’ve worked hard to get where you are. Never shrink yourself or your accomplishments just because someone else finds your struggle more comfortable to relate to. Own every part of your journey, both the struggle and the success, without seeking validation from others.

2. Set Boundaries with Compassion
   It’s okay to set emotional boundaries with those who seem to only show up when you’re down. This doesn’t mean cutting them off completely, but rather protecting your energy and not relying on their approval to feel validated. At the same time, practice compassion — recognize that their inability to celebrate your success often says more about where they are in their journey than about you.

3. Find Your Tribe
   Surround yourself with people who cheer for you in every season — the ones who celebrate your wins as loudly as they comfort you in your losses. Find the community that supports your entire evolution, not just the parts they find comfortable. These are the people who will inspire you to keep growing, without the need to make you “relatable” only in your struggle.

3 Reflection Questions for Those Experiencing This

1. Why do I seek validation from people who only acknowledge my struggles?
   Think about where this need for external validation comes from and whether these relationships are nourishing your personal growth.

2. How do I feel when people only relate to me in times of hardship, and how does it affect my sense of self-worth?
   Reflect on the emotional impact of these interactions and how they influence your confidence in celebrating your own successes.

3. What steps can I take to honor my full journey, both the struggles and successes, without shrinking my light for others?
   Consider ways you can authentically share your whole self, even if some people don’t acknowledge your achievements.

Final Thoughts

It’s hard when people close to you can only connect with the parts of your life where you were struggling. But remember, your story — all of it — is valid. You are allowed to shine in every season of your life, and the right people will celebrate your growth, not just your challenges. Don’t let anyone’s discomfort with your success dim your light.

Keep telling your story — the whole story.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.