20 Things to Do with Your Mother Before She Dies

As I sit here today, six years after my mother’s death, I’m reminded daily of the moments we shared and the ones I long to relive. If I could turn back time, there are so many things I would do with her — things I didn’t realize I’d miss until they were gone. I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on the life we lived together, and especially on those 30 days before she passed when we didn’t know we were living in her final days.

My book 30 Days was born from those reflections. It’s an intimate account of those last moments, those little interactions that you think will last forever. And while I’ll never get to relive those moments with my mom, I can offer you this: a list of 20 things to do with your mother before she dies, while you still have time to cherish her presence.

If I had been given 30 more days with my mom, here’s what I would do:

1. Take a Luxury Mother-Daughter Vacation

Whether it's to a tropical beach or a cozy mountain cabin, take a trip where the only focus is each other. Let the destination be a backdrop for conversations, laughter, and bonding that you’ll cherish forever.

2. Find Out Where She Drew Her Strength

Sit down with your mom and ask her what kept her going during life’s toughest moments. These answers will be her legacy of resilience that can inspire you when you’re facing challenges.

3. Discover What Made Her Happiest

Was it her family, her career, her garden? What truly lit up her soul? Knowing this can give you deeper insight into her heart and the choices she made throughout her life.

4. Ask Who Made Her the Happiest

We all have that one person who brought us the most joy. Was it your dad? A best friend? Find out who that person was for her and what made that relationship so special. It’s a glimpse into the love story that shaped her life.

5. Write Down Her Favorite Recipes

Every family has those recipes that bring comfort, connection, and love to the dinner table. Jot down her favorites, because someday you’ll want to taste her meals and feel like she’s still right there in the kitchen with you.

6. Use Ancestry DNA to Find Family

Imagine tracing your roots together, finding relatives and stories from your family’s past. It could be a journey into history that bonds you over shared ancestry, while allowing her to reconnect with people she might not know existed.

7. Help Her Complete a Lifelong Goal

Did she always dream of writing a book, producing a play, or starting her own business? Be the one to help her achieve that dream. It could be the ultimate gift — bringing to life a vision she’s always held close.

8. Buy Her Something She’s Always Wanted

Whether it’s a piece of jewelry, a beautiful piece of furniture, or artwork, find that thing she’s always wanted but never splurged on. It’s not about the material value but the joy of seeing her face light up when she finally has it.

9. Talk to Her About the Love of Her Life

Ask her how she knew it was love. What were the moments that solidified that this person was the one? Learning about her love story is a way to understand your mother on a deeply personal level.

10. Get Clear on Her Memorial Wishes

It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but knowing how your mother wants to be remembered can bring peace later on. What music does she want? What readings? Who does she want to speak? Make sure her wishes are honored in the way she envisioned.

11. Talk About Her Favorite Books and Movies

Go through her favorite novels, films, and TV shows. Find out why she loved them and what messages spoke to her. It’s a way to see the world through her eyes and understand her perspectives on life.

12. Make a Memory Album Together

Sit down with old photos, mementos, and memories, and create an album of your lives together. It’s a beautiful project that will allow you both to reminisce, laugh, and cry while documenting the life you’ve shared.

13. Spend Time in Nature Together

Take long walks, sit by a lake, or visit a park together. Nature has a way of opening up deep, meaningful conversations, and being in nature with your mom can create peaceful, reflective moments.

14. Plan a Regular Monthly Date

Whether it’s going out for lunch or sitting in with a cup of coffee, make time for a standing date with your mom. Consistency matters, and those moments, while they may seem ordinary, will be treasures later.

15. Learn How She Wants to Be Remembered

What does she hope people will say about her? How does she want her legacy to live on? These are conversations that will help you carry her memory forward in the way she most desired.

16. Talk About the Things She’s Most Proud Of

Ask your mom what her greatest accomplishments have been. You might be surprised by what she shares — and you’ll see her life through a new lens of pride and gratitude.

17. Have Honest Conversations About Fears

Ask her what she’s scared of. You’ll understand her vulnerabilities, her strength in facing them, and you’ll be able to offer comfort and love when she needs it most.

18. Pamper Her with a Spa Day

Treat your mom to a day of luxury and relaxation. Let her feel pampered and cherished. It’s a small way to show her the love and care she’s shown you over the years.

19. Watch the Sunrise or Sunset Together

Sometimes the simplest moments are the most meaningful. Watching a sunrise or sunset together can provide a serene moment of connection, reflection, and peace.

20. Tell Her How Much She Means to You

Don’t wait for the perfect time or moment. Tell her now. Tell her every day. Remind her that she’s loved, appreciated, and irreplaceable in your life.

I wrote 30 Days because it was all I could do in the wake of losing my mother. It was my way of holding onto every precious memory, of documenting every moment we lived in those last days. Looking back, I realize there’s so much more I could have done, so many more conversations we could have had, and so much more love to have given.

If you still have your mother, don’t wait. Don’t assume you’ll have time later. Make time now, because when she’s gone, it’s the memories of these shared experiences that will carry you through.

These 20 things are not just a to-do list — they’re an opportunity to connect, heal, and love deeply while you still can.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.