National Suicide Awareness Prevention Month: Why I Took Suicide Off The Table ...
There was a time when, in the depths of my grief, suicide was on the table. I had lost my mother—my anchor, my everything—and in those early days of grief, the weight of the loss felt unbearable. I could barely breathe through the pain. And if I’m honest, I didn't want to.
When my mother passed, it felt like the world had been ripped from under me. It wasn’t just her death—it was the life we still had to live, the conversations we never got to finish, and the future we would never see together. I talk in great detail about this harrowing journey in my bestselling book, 30 Days, where I reflect on the 30 days prior to my mother's passing—30 days I didn't know were her last. That ignorance was blissful until it wasn’t. The day she passed, everything shifted.
In those dark early days, the thought of continuing without her felt impossible. Suicide was more than a fleeting thought; it was a serious consideration. When grief consumed me, I wondered how I could survive such unimaginable loss. But somewhere deep within me, I decided it wasn’t the way. I chose to take suicide off the table.
It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight. Love, therapy, and a strong will to carry on for my family gave me the strength I didn’t know I had. It was a slow process of learning to reimagine my life, not without my mother, but with her spiritual presence. I committed to honoring her legacy for the rest of my natural life. That commitment gave me something to hold onto when everything felt like it was slipping away. I focused on building something beautiful out of the immense loss I experienced.
That “something beautiful” is The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. a nonprofit organization I founded in honor of my mother, Beverly Carroll. This organization exists to support women like me—women who have lost their mothers and are trying to navigate forward on a grief journey that feels impossible to endure. Losing your mother is a loss like no other. There is no guidebook that can prepare you for the weight of it. But in time, with love, support, therapy, and the development of coping skills, you can journey forward.
It doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It doesn’t mean you stop grieving. Grief becomes a part of you, and you carry it with you, but you learn to live alongside it. You learn that your mother's presence doesn’t leave you just because she’s no longer physically here. She becomes your guide, your angel, your inner voice when you need strength. Her love doesn’t fade—it evolves.
For anyone reading this who is struggling with the deep, suffocating loss of their mother, please know that you are not alone. You may feel like the world is crumbling around you, but there is hope. You can survive this. The road ahead will be challenging, but it is not one you have to walk alone. There are people who care, resources available, and communities that understand. Love can lift you out of the darkness, therapy can give you tools to cope, and your own resilience can surprise you.
Today, as we honor National Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, I share my story in the hopes that it may inspire someone who feels like they have no way out. I want to say this: there is a way out of the darkness. Your mother’s legacy lives on through you. You are her living testament, and your healing is her legacy too.
The journey forward is not one you need to take alone. At The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., we provide resources and support for women grieving the loss of their mothers. It is a space where we honor our mothers and find ways to keep moving forward, even when it feels impossible.
If you're struggling today, please reach out to someone—whether it's a friend, a therapist, or a community like ours. There is light ahead, even when you can’t see it. In time, you will come to understand that life can continue, and even in the midst of the pain, there can be beauty.
In honor of my mother, I have chosen life. And I want to share that hope with you.---
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate support:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-TALK (8255)
-Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 -
Let us carry on the legacies of our mothers with grace, strength, and love. Together, we can heal.
Kinyatta Gray
Founder, The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.