7 Ways to Genuinely Help A Grieving Friend by Kinyatta E. Gray
At some point in life, everyone will experience a traumatic loss. Whether it's you or a friend, the loss will happen and it will seem like you will never get beyond the excruciating pain the first few months after experiencing the loss.
If it's your friend that has experienced the loss, you too may feel saddened by what's happened, but confused and even at times awkward about how to help your friend. You don't want to seem aloof and insensitive, yet you don't want to be in the way and inserting yourself where you don't belong.
The funeral has concluded, your friend's loved one has been buried, what should you do thereafter to show your support?
I'm sharing the 7 Ways To Genuinely Help a Grieving Friend based on my experiencing grieving the traumatic sudden and unexpected loss of my beloved mother in 2018.
These steps don't have to be followed in any particular order and can be modified to fit your lifestyle and your friend. But any combination of these steps will surely give you the awareness that you need as you strive to support your friend.
Be patient and understanding of your friend's mood and personality change while they are grieving. Grief causes physical and emotional changes. The happy go lucky life of the party friend you once knew before the significant loss, is now dealing with a traumatic experience and could use your understanding and patience as they work through their grief and influx of new painful emotions.
Ask your friend how you can help them. Don't assume that you know exactly what your friend wants and needs from you. Losing a loved one changes a person's world in an unimaginable way. What you thought once made them happy after the loss could trigger more pain. Be mindful, thoughtful and ask your friend how you can best help him/her.
Continue to reach out to your friend via calls, cards, or quick emails or quick text messages regularly after they have lost a loved one. Refer to their loved one by name -- after all they did exist. Often times, people make the mistake of cutting off the communication with a friend about their loss about a month after the funeral because you personally have moved past the loss and its impact has not deeply affected you. Over time, through regular communication with your friend, as they begin to heal, you will sense that healing is occurring because life starts coming back to them. They will talk differently, they may seem more interested in the things they lost interest in after suffering their loss. Refer to your friend's departed loved one by name. Acknowledging them by their name respects their prior earthly existence -- they exist now in spirit form.
Schedule face to face visits. Phone calls and text messages are good, but getting in your vehicle and paying your friend a home visit sends the message that they are valued, worthy and loved. Sit with your friend, hug your friend, hold your friend's hand. Just be there and present in the moment. You don't have to say much more than I love you and I am here for you. You may also take this time to prepare a favorite meal or dessert for your friend or help with light housework.
Look out for danger signs. Sometimes a loss can be so catastrophic that your friend may want to end his/her life or may be so severely depressed that you become frightened for their safety. Believe your friend if they express suicidal thoughts. Bring this information to the closest loved one in their home so that your friend can be closely monitored during their time of grief. It is almost impossible to force an adult to go to therapy, however, you can make sure that your friend has important telephone numbers such as the Suicide Hotline and respected clergy.
Don't give up on your friend. Grief lasts forever. However, over time your friend will learn to live with the grief and function in a manner where he or she seeks happiness and joy out of life once again. It takes time. There's no magic date by which your friend will resemble the friend he/she was prior to the loss. Hopefully, your love and friendship were not based on "good times" but genuine love and commitment to your friend through good times and not so good times.
Recommend resources such as my book: 30 Days: Surviving the Trauma and Unexpected Loss of a Single Parent as an Only Child. Sometimes when a person reads about how someone else survived a tragedy, it provides hope that in time, with the proper love and support, they can too.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a best-selling author who wrote and released her first book in October 2019 about the loss of her mother. Kinyatta's goal is to spread awareness about grief and loss, following one's inner voice and sharing messages of love, peace, hope, and light.
Instagram: @kinyattagraytheauthor
