You Have No Idea What A Suicidal Person "Looks" Like by Kinyatta E. Gray
When Grief Turns Dark: A Heartfelt Plea During Suicide Prevention Month
Admittedly, this is a heavy topic—one that carries a weight many would rather avoid. But it's a topic that we can no longer afford to ignore. As someone who has walked through the valley of deep despair, I feel a profound responsibility to share what I've learned in the hope that it may help others.
In many Black communities, the subject of suicide is often swept under the rug, whispered about in hushed tones, or not discussed at all. But I’m talking about it, right here, right now, because it’s far too important to stay silent.
I’ve heard the comment far too many times: “He/She doesn’t look suicidal.” But let’s pause for a moment and really think about that. What exactly does a suicidal person look like? What image comes to your mind? Now, I want you to cancel that image entirely.
The truth is, there is no one look for a suicidal person. People who have taken their own lives, or who have struggled with suicidal thoughts, come from all walks of life. They range in age, race, status, and gender. Celebrities commit suicide. Urban and suburban moms commit suicide. People who never had suicidal thoughts but experience a traumatic event commit suicide.
So please, let go of the notion that you can recognize a suicidal person just by looking at them.
When my mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in 2018, I found myself spiraling into a dark mental state that I had never experienced before. The only person who knew just how deeply I had descended into that black abyss was my loving and supportive spouse, Ju.
I’ve always been the type to maintain a level of poise, professionalism, and privacy. No matter how I was feeling inside, it didn’t show outwardly to those outside my home. I know now that this façade of strength can be dangerously misleading.
It’s crucial that we consistently check in on our grieving friends, not just in the days or weeks after a loss, but months and even years later. I recently wrote about how to support your grieving friends, and it bears repeating: Never assume someone is "okay" just because they look or act like they are.
People with suicidal thoughts can function just like anyone else suffering from an unseen issue, like drug abuse, alcoholism, or gambling. Sometimes, you may not even know a person is suffering until it's too late.
Life without my mom felt incomprehensible. My mind was sending me disturbing messages in my distressed emotional state. What I learned about myself during this time was that I wanted to exist in an alternative reality, one where I didn’t have to feel the pain of losing her.
I’ll never forget when a friend said to me, "I knew you were sad, but not that sad," after learning about my deep, sunken place. To this day, that comment baffles me. I must have projected such strength that this friend only assumed I was experiencing a moderate level of grief.
This is exactly why you need to go the extra mile and walk a little closer with your friends when they are grieving. The truth often comes out when you show up in person to extend your hand of support.
In my book 30 Days, I share in graphic detail the descent of my emotional state after losing my mom and the steps I took to fight my way back. Suicide is a theme threaded throughout my other two books, Passing As Straight and From Section 8 To CEO, because it is a major public health concern that we must confront head-on.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is among the leading causes of death in the United States, and in some populations, it’s on the rise. Suicide is defined as death caused by self-directed injurious behavior with intent to die. A suicide attempt is a non-fatal self-directed action with the intent to die, even if it doesn’t result in injury. Suicidal ideation refers to thinking about, considering, or planning suicide.
These aren’t just statistics; they’re reminders of how fragile the human spirit can be. This is why I use my books to promote suicide awareness and why I’m writing this now.
Don’t ever make the mistake of assuming you know what a suicidal person looks like. You could miss the signs and discount someone who desperately needs your help.
If you have a grieving friend you love and care about, be consistent with your love and support, no matter how long it takes. One day, it could be you grieving or even feeling suicidal, and you would want someone to be there for you.
You will never fully understand the depth of someone’s pain until you experience the same loss. So, don’t assume you know how much pain a person should feel or how long they should feel it after a traumatic loss.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out to:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- A Mental Health Provider
- A Spouse or Trusted Friend
- Trusted Clergy
We need to talk about this. We need to educate ourselves. And most importantly, we need to be there for each other.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.
DISCLAIMER
Kinyatta Gray is not a mental health professional and is sharing her personal experience. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please refer to the contact numbers above or search for help in your community.
