Walking Through the Unimaginable: My Journey of Planning My Mother’s Funeral
Six years ago, I faced one of the most heartbreaking tasks of my life—planning my mother’s funeral. This isn’t a guide on what you should do or how you should feel; it’s simply my personal account of what it was like for me, an only child, to take that first step into the funeral home and begin making decisions I never imagined I’d have to make.
When my mother passed, I was in a strange state of shock. I was functioning—moving through the motions with moments of almost manic energy—because I wanted everything to be perfect. It was like planning an event, but underneath that surface, I was in denial. The weight of what I was really doing hadn’t fully hit me, even though I knew, logically, I was preparing to bury my mom.
Sitting in the office with the funeral director was surreal. She asked me questions about my mom—things I knew but suddenly couldn’t answer clearly. My mind was clouded by grief fog, a haze that was just beginning to settle in. And then, there was the casket. I was terrified of caskets, yet there I was, walking into a cold room to pick one out for my mother. I couldn’t believe I had to do it. But I had to. I had to get it right. I remember thinking, “What the fuck? I was just planning my daughter’s baby shower with my mom, and now I’m picking out a fucking casket? What the fuck just happened?”
The pain of making those decisions was unbearable until it wasn’t—until I went numb. My soul seemed to leave my body, and I became a shell, my brain just responding to commands. I learned things I never wanted to know, like how my mom would need a beautiful outfit, but also undergarments, pantyhose, her hair done, and makeup applied. I wasn’t prepared for any of it. And after all that, I was expected to return to see her for a viewing, to make sure everything was perfect before the world saw her for the last time.
My mother died. She died. And there was no coming back from that. But my brain didn’t process it—not fully. It wasn’t until after the funeral, when the house was quiet, that the full weight of her death crashed down on me. That’s when I came back to life, just long enough to feel the excruciating pain, and then I passed out from the horror and heartbreak of facing the rest of my life without her.
If you’ve ever wondered what that experience was like for me, this is as close as I can describe it. It’s been six years, but not a moment goes by that I don’t use every ounce of my strength to advocate for and educate people on how to support women grieving the loss of their mothers. People often ask me how I can help others as a bereaved woman, and honestly, I can’t answer that. It’s a calling so powerful in my life that I trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, to give me what I need, and to use me as a vessel to help others.
In those moments, when I’m offering support to another grieving woman, I know my mother’s love is still with me, guiding me, pushing me forward. Because even though she’s gone, her legacy lives on in the work I do, in the women I support, and in the love that continues to flow through me.
7 Tips on How to Prepare for the Funeral Home Visit
As difficult as it was, there were a few things that helped me navigate that first visit to the funeral home. Here are some tips that might help you or someone you know facing a similar situation:
Bring a Support Person:
If possible, take someone with you who can offer emotional support and help you process information. This could be a close friend, family member, or someone who understands your grief.Have Essential Documents Ready:
Make sure to bring important documents like your loved one’s birth certificate, death certificate, and any insurance policies or pre-planning documents they might have had. This will help streamline the process.Prepare to Answer Personal Questions:
The funeral director will ask about your loved one’s life, so be prepared to share information such as their full name, date of birth, and any special requests they may have had. It’s okay if you can’t answer everything on the spot—grief fog is real.Consider Their Final Outfit:
Think about what your loved one would want to wear for their final farewell. You’ll need to provide clothing, including undergarments and shoes, if you wish. Don’t forget about any accessories or special items they loved, like jewelry or a favorite scarf.
If you’re struggling with this aspect, know that you’re not alone. At The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., we understand how overwhelming this can be, which is why we created the Her Final Bow Program. This program offers financial support to help cover the cost of purchasing a beautiful outfit, undergarments, and other essentials to ensure your loved one is honored with dignity and care. We’re here to help you navigate this difficult time with compassion and understanding.Take Notes:
Bring a notebook or use your phone to jot down important details. You might not remember everything later, especially when emotions are running high, so having notes to refer back to can be incredibly helpful.Ask Questions:
Don’t be afraid to ask the funeral director anything that’s on your mind, no matter how small it may seem. This is a difficult process, and you deserve to have all the information you need to make the best decisions for your loved one.Give Yourself Grace:
This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up, and remember that it’s okay to not have all the answers. You’re doing the best you can in an incredibly tough situation.
Planning a funeral is never easy, and it’s even harder when you’re doing it for someone you love so deeply. Take it one step at a time, lean on those around you, and trust that you’ll get through it—just like I did, one breath at a time. And remember, resources like the Her Final Bow Program at The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. are here to support you during this difficult journey. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.
