I May Forget What You Said, I Might Forget What You Bought Me, But I Will Never Forget How You Treated Me While I Grieved
Let’s be real for a moment: grief is one of those life experiences that truly reveals who’s in your corner and who’s just passing through. When a loss occurs, the outpouring of support can be overwhelming—flowers, casseroles, heartfelt messages—right up until the day of the funeral. But as soon as the last “amen” is said and the last dish is washed, something changes. Your grief, once the center of attention, suddenly becomes an afterthought. The world moves on, and you’re left standing in the wreckage of your life, wondering where everyone went.
Here’s the hard truth: people may care, but often, it’s from afar. They’ll send a text or drop a comment on social media, but as the weeks turn into months, your sadness may start to feel like an inconvenience to them. It’s as if your grief has an expiration date, and once it’s past, everyone else expects you to be “normal” again—whatever that means. But here’s the kicker: when those same people who treated you like a burden find themselves in the midst of their own grief, they’ll expect the world to stop and center them. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
So, what do you do when it’s incredibly hard to be there for someone who wasn’t there for you? How do you deal with the sting of being abandoned in your time of need? Let’s talk about how to handle this delicate situation with a bit of grace—and maybe a dash of humor, because sometimes, you just have to laugh to keep from crying.
5 Ways to Deal with This Issue with Grace (and a Touch of Humor)
1. Set Boundaries Like a Pro:
When someone who wasn’t there for you now expects your full support, it’s okay to set some boundaries. You’re not obligated to give more than you’re comfortable with. Maybe you’ll send a sympathy card, maybe you’ll drop off a meal—but you don’t have to be their emotional crutch. Remember, you’re the CEO of your own time and energy. Use it wisely.
2. Send a Little Dose of “I Remember” Karma:
It’s tempting to give them a taste of their own medicine, but instead of going full petty, consider sending a kind yet concise message. Something like, “I’m sorry for your loss. Grief is such a challenging journey.” It’s subtle, but it gets the point across—you know what it’s like, and you’re offering support, but on your terms.
3. Focus on Your True Support System:
Surround yourself with the people who actually showed up when you needed them. Those are your people. Invest your time and energy into those relationships, and let the others fall by the wayside. As they say, “Don’t water dead plants.”
4. Find the Humor in the Hypocrisy:
When you’re feeling particularly frustrated, it’s okay to vent—just make sure it’s to someone who gets it. Maybe even laugh about it. “Remember when they ghosted me after the funeral? Now they’re calling me every day for support. The irony is not lost on me.” Finding humor in the situation can be a surprisingly effective way to release some of the tension.
5. Practice Compassion, But Don’t Forget Your Worth:
Yes, people make mistakes, and sometimes they genuinely don’t know how to support someone who’s grieving. If you can, offer a little grace. But don’t forget your own worth in the process. You deserve to be surrounded by people who value and respect you, especially during your most vulnerable moments.
Grief has a funny way of revealing people’s true colors. You might forget the words people said or the things they bought you, but you’ll never forget how they treated you when you were in the depths of your sorrow. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s a lesson in who’s really there for you and who might just be there for the show.
So, when the tables turn and someone who let you down needs your support, handle it with the grace that makes you who you are—but don’t be afraid to keep your boundaries firm. You deserve to protect your peace, even as you extend a hand of compassion. And remember, as we all navigate our own journeys, let’s try to be the kind of people we wished we had in our corner when we needed it most.
The true measure of a friend is how they show up when the tears fall, not just when the sun shines.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.
