WHEN THE ONLY PARENT LEFT IS THE ABSENT PARENT

When The Only Parent Left is The Absent Parent

I will not shame absent parents in this blog. However, I will share my thoughts and feelings on this issue based on my experience.

I hope this article sparks interest in this issue, especially if you are in this situation.

Imagine being raised by a single parent, a great single parent who never spoke ill of the absent parent other than to shed light on their perceptions of why they are raising you alone.

All of your emotional support, financial support, affirmation, love, tenderness, and bond are shared with the only person who loves you the way that a parent should. After all, you didn't ask to be born.

The single parent knows about your progress from birth through adulthood. They know what every look on your face means; they know when you are irritated by them and see when you want nothing more than their hugs and kisses. You've only eaten their cooking, so there's no yearning for something you've never had.

The single parent sacrifices everything to ensure that you have a decent life and some everyday life resemblance of one.

You have no siblings, and neither does the absent parent. You have no maternal grandparents -- which means the absent parent doesn't have the proper support system either - yet they pour what's left of their heart into you through your adulthood. You turn out just fine. Actually, better than fine.

Then the single parent suddenly dies.

The only parent left is the absent parent.

It's quite a complex and emotional issue when you think about it.

Do you instantly yearn for the absent parent's love and their presence in your life? Or do you continue to honor their absence?

The absent parent is essentially a familiar stranger.

They do not know you because they are not responsible for raising you. Sure, the absent parent knows your name and date of birth, and they may even see the resemblance. Still, they can't tell you what schools you went to, your favorite teacher's name, your favorite school subjects, your favorite food, your favorite color, what sports you played, your favorite color, what it was like for you in high school, when your teeth fell out and when you learned how to drive.

Their lack of familiarity with you forces you to long for the single parent all the more. The single parent established a secure bond and trust.

A sense of security is lacking with the absent parent, so you have learned not to expect anything of comfort or support. And trust -- what's that? Abandonment does not lead to trust.

Yet, there remains the absent parent.

Because my mother raised me appropriately, I believe thy shall honor the absent parent at a fundamental level.

You know the absent parent exists, and if you're lucky, you may even know that something that resembles love is shown during the sporadic interactions with the absent parent.

But at the end of the day, after spending a lifetime being actively loved by a single parent -- you can't yearn for something you have never experienced from the absent parent. And quite frankly, the absent parent may not even know where to begin to repair all that was broken. So they may exist in the only space they know -- away from you.

So what do you do? By the time you reach adulthood, you have learned how to function without seeing, trusting, leaning on, confiding in, and depending on the absent parent. It's like they died first, and you had to learn to live without them.

You have two options: force a new relationship with the absent parent, hoping to God you'll feel what's missing from the deceased parent, or find a neutral place in your heart so that you are not dishonorable yet protecting your heart.

It's an individual choice. And neither of the options above is wrong.

Your heart is already broken from the single parent's death, and you can't afford to risk having your heart being obliterated by the absent parent - again.

As adults, we must accept life as it is, and harboring resentment or ill will toward the absent parent will not change the fact they were.

It may be worth it to learn more about the absent parent's family dynamic, and there often lies the answers to your questions.

Nevertheless, there's no objective justification to be a voluntary absent parent.

When you're an absent parent, the only memory that the impacted child/ren will have of you is you not being there.

I grieved my mother alone, without the absent parent. What would you do?

Gray is not a mental health professional and is sharing her personal experiences. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, call 911 immediately.

Kinyatta E. Gray writes about grief and loss, and is the founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc, Flights In Stilettos, and InHer Bliss Life Coaching. Gray has design and released over 20 guided and blank journals for women, teens and men.