After The Funeral...What Really Happens After the Funeral of Your Loved One
For some, the shock and reality that you've lost someone comes on suddenly and for others as in my case, the shock, horror and trauma didn't manifest until after the funeral.
After your loved one passes away there are a tremendous amount of decisions that need to be made in a matter of days. Decisions you are horrified to make, but you must. In my case, I was the sole decision maker. In some cases, this essentially diverts your attention from what has just happened.
You'll realize that your loved one has passed, but you're doing so much work on their behalf that it's hard to come to terms with the loss or even accept it. The funeral goes as planned. The burial goes as planned. Your planning and coordination skills were amazing and everyone tells you how beautiful the memorial service was.
You watch them lower your loved one into the ground and you're surrounded by so many people wanting you to lean on them for strength and support. In that moment, you know full well that your loved one is dead, but the ceremony has to continue because you can only be at the gravesite for so long. Your loved one is but a number to the funeral home, and while people are grieving your loss, quite honestly, they may even have made other plans for the remainder of the day. (Reality Check)
You can't let all of your emotions out just yet -- or maybe you can. Or maybe you'll hold it all in and be strong for everyone else. You'll eventually get through the endless hugs, kisses, condolences and sympathy cards overflow.
On the ride home from the funeral, it sinks in more that this shit is real. Your loved one is gone, FOREVER. You're flooded with thoughts about who was there, who never bothered to pay their last respects, and the questions of whether the funeral was what your loved one would have wanted?
You'll arrive home and realize that there's nothing left to plan, nothing else to divert your attention, nothing else to get buried in so that you don't have to face the grim reality of the sinking feeling you wanted to avoid from the moment they were pronounced dead.
You now have to sit there alone with your thoughts and come to terms with the fact that this shit is indeed real. Your loved one is gone. FOREVER.
For me, it was in that moment that the weight of losing my mom hit me, knocked the wind out of me and rendered me senseless and useless. Mentally incapacitated and didn't care about the fact that I was.
It is then that you replay your final moments, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month and 1 year ago. It is then when you realize how trivial certain things were and how many times you missed calling, texting or otherwise spending time with your loved one when you should have.
You realize that you have the painstakingly difficult of sifting through their belongings, their clothes, furniture, jewelry and finances. You will find their favorite shoes they loved, their favorite dress, you'll discover their quirks and the secret things they collected. You'll discover how much they loved you when you see all of the photos they collected and saved of you since your birth in pristine condition. You'll find all of your report cards they saved and your silly macaroni art.
You'll learn about their job, how much money they earned and realize it was a struggle at times. You'll go through their mobile phone left behind and read their text messages and know who they talked to all the time and who never called them at all.
You'll see all the times they texted you just to say that they loved you.
If you ever wanted to know what happens after the funeral, this is but only a glimpse into what takes place. Everyone's experience will be different. The deeper the love the deeper the grief. If you weren’t that emotionally connected to your loved one, you will experience a different set of emotions than someone who was.
It is up to you to make the time between now and before the funeral count.
Spend time now, loving like you have never loved before. Follow your inner voice. Live each day like it could be your last.
Kinyatta E. Gray is not a mental health professional and is sharing her personal experiences. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, call 911 immediately .
Kinyatta E. Gray is a published author of 5 books and the CEO of FlightsInStilettos, LLC. Kinyatta is a mental health and suicide prevention advocate.
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