Don’t Use My Grief as a Reason to Avoid Me
Let’s face it: Grief is not sexy. It’s not fun. It’s not the kind of vibe most people want to surround themselves with, and that’s exactly why support often dries up right after the funeral. I’ve seen it too many times: you bury your loved one, and suddenly, people are deciding for you that you “probably want to be alone anyway.” They think they’re giving you space, but what it feels like is abandonment, and at a time when you need them the most.
Yes, sadness is uncomfortable. We live in a society that glorifies happiness, self-care Sundays, and chasing that ever-elusive silver lining. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with happy, life-affirming people? But here’s the thing: life isn’t just about sunflowers and rainbows. Sadness is a natural, very real human emotion, and it deserves space too. We need to teach people how to show up when things aren’t picture-perfect.
Grief is not contagious. I promise, sitting with your grieving friend won’t doom you to a life of tears and gloom. Yes, energy transfers, but you can learn to protect your own energy while still being supportive. You can be present without taking on someone else’s sadness. It’s about balance. Instead of deciding your friend needs space, ask them. Instead of assuming they want to be alone, invite them. The worst thing they can do is say no, and that’s still a win because you showed up.
And let’s not gloss over this: Loneliness is a leading cause of suicide in this country. Imagine losing someone close to you and then feeling like everyone else has disappeared too. That isolation, that double whammy of grief, and the loss of a support system can be dangerous. We need to be there for each other, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
Remember, right now, you might be reading this thinking about someone else who is grieving, but the tables can turn quicker than you’d like to think. One day, it could be you standing in that uncomfortable, uncharted territory of grief. And when that day comes, you’ll be desperate for the love, warmth, and understanding that you so easily avoided giving.
The reality is simple: Grievers may forget what you said, they might forget what you did, but they will never, ever forget how you made them feel when they were at their lowest. You can be sure of that, as sure as I know my name and that I’m a Black woman. You will want that same grace when your time comes.
Reflection Questions
1. Think about the last time someone close to you was grieving. Did you make an effort to reach out, or did you decide that they probably needed space?
2. How do you feel when you are around someone who is sad or grieving? What are the thoughts that make you pull away, and how can you challenge those thoughts?
3. If you were the one grieving, what kind of support would you want from your friends and loved ones? How would it feel if you didn’t receive that support?
At The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., we’re here to bridge the gap. We provide resources, community, and support for women grieving the loss of their mothers. Our programs and resources are designed to remind grievers that they are never alone. Whether it’s through our Healing Hearts Listening Calls, our peer support groups, or our engaging blogs, we are committed to fostering a community where every griever feels seen, heard, and supported.
For more information, visit The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.