Back to Work After Bereavement Leave: Don't Expect Special Treatment (And Here's Why)
Let's talk about something that I know all too well from my own lived experience: returning to work after bereavement leave. I’m not saying employers shouldn’t be sensitive to your emotional state—of course, they should be. But the reality is, everyone grieves differently. We hear it all the time, and yet, when we walk back into the office (or log back on), there's no universal handbook for how we should be treated. It would be impossible for employers to adapt perfectly to every grieving employee because grief is as individual as fingerprints.
Now, where I do think employers can step up their game is in the amount of time they offer for bereavement. Three days? Come on. That’s not even enough time to find plan a dream vacation, let alone start processing your loss. Whether you’re grieving your fur baby or a beloved family member, three days is insulting, plain and simple. It sets the stage for a return to work that feels rushed and completely out of sync with the emotional mess you’re dealing with.
Here's the truth: you have to take the time you need, so when you do return to work, you’re as ready as you can be. If that means two weeks, take it. If it means three months, take it if you can. After my mom died, I was off for about two weeks. Tried to go back during week three—didn't even make it out of the car in the parking garage. I sat there sobbing until I realized I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t return for another three months. And even then, my whole life was headed in a different direction. Work was just a cog in the wheel I no longer had the energy to spin.
Some people have to return sooner because, let’s face it, bills don’t take bereavement leave. Others need the routine of work as a coping mechanism. But here's the kicker: once you’re back, expect that some people—maybe even most—will want the old you. They might not understand that the old you died along with your loved one. The absolute worst offenders will treat your bereavement leave like a little mini-vacation. A supervisor of mine once handed me a tedious project upon my return and said, “Hopefully you’ll totally get lost doing this.” I’m sorry, but what? There’s no spreadsheet in the world that’s going to distract me from the gaping hole left by my mother’s death. That moment was my wake-up call: bereaved people are expected to seamlessly reintegrate into a world that has not made space for their pain.
When I returned, not one person acknowledged my loss. Not a card, not a whisper. Work resumed as if I had simply been on a beach somewhere, sipping cocktails. My workload doubled because the people covering for me were eager to unload what they’d been holding down in my absence. And there I was, drowning under the weight of grief and the insensitivity of others. Here’s the bottom line: you have to decide when you’re ready, and no one else can make that call for you.
Reflection Questions
1. How has your workplace been supportive or unsupportive during your time of grief?
2. What boundaries do you feel you need to set upon your return to protect your emotional well-being?
3. How do you feel about returning to a work environment that may not acknowledge or understand your loss?
Tips for Preparing to Return to Work After Loss
1. Set Clear Boundaries: Have an open conversation with your supervisor about your emotional state and what you’re ready to take on. Be honest about your capacity and set clear boundaries to protect your mental health.
2. Ease Back Gradually: If possible, consider a phased return, such as half-days or working from home. It’s okay to dip your toes back into the routine rather than diving in headfirst.
3. Identify Support Allies: Find colleagues who can be your safe space at work. These are the people who can step in if you need a break or if the workload becomes overwhelming. Knowing you have support at work can make all the difference.
Returning to work after a loss is not easy, and it won’t feel perfect. But taking the time you need, setting boundaries, and finding your support network can make the transition a little less brutal. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and you have the right to navigate it on your own terms.
For resources, support, and guidance on navigating your grief, check out The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. We’re here to help you find your way forward, one small step at a time.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.