Everyone Doesn't Want Vigils and Balloon Releases to Honor Their Loved One's Legacy Like You Do, and Here's Why...
Let’s be real—grief is messy, unpredictable, and totally unique to every individual. And here’s the kicker: how we honor our loved ones can be just as diverse as our grief. One size does not fit all, and that’s okay.
Recently, a friend of mine shared a deeply personal revelation about how they choose to honor their loved one, and it got me thinking about how society often expects us to remember our loved ones in a very specific way—balloon releases, vigils, elaborate memorials, all attended by everyone from your closest friends to your second cousin’s dog walker. But guess what? Not everyone wants that, and it’s perfectly okay!
Some of us, believe it or not, are perfectly happy honoring our loved ones quietly and in privacy—away from the crowd, the speeches, and the release of environmentally questionable balloons. For others, it’s too painful even to acknowledge the death anniversary of someone we’ve lost. And that’s valid too! There is no “right” way to grieve or remember. What matters is that the way you choose to honor your loved one feels right to you.
So, here’s a little PSA: let’s stop assuming that everyone wants to honor their loved ones the way we do. Some of us need the big gestures; others prefer a quiet moment with a favorite photo. Both ways are completely valid.
Five Ways to Respect How Others Choose to Grieve:
Ask, Don’t Assume: Don’t just assume your friend or family member wants to do the same things you do. Ask them how they would like to honor their loved one and what support they need from you.
Respect Their Privacy: If someone says they prefer to honor their loved one privately, respect that. Don’t push them to attend public events if they’re not comfortable with it.
Offer Quiet Support: Not everyone needs a grand gesture to feel supported. Sometimes, a simple, “I’m thinking of you today” text is more meaningful than attending a vigil.
Avoid Judgement: Just because someone doesn’t participate in the same rituals or activities as you doesn’t mean they don’t care about their loved one. Everyone grieves differently, and that’s perfectly okay.
Be Flexible: Support can look different depending on the person’s needs and the day. Sometimes they may want to talk, and other times they may want space. Be willing to adjust how you show up for them.
Grief is a personal journey, and there is no one “correct” way to travel it. At The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., we’re committed to offering resources that meet you where you are—whether you need grief support, learning videos, or even journals for quiet reflection. We also provide peer support groups for those who prefer a community, and we’re here to help you navigate this difficult path in the way that works best for you.
If you’re looking for ways to support yourself or someone else on their grief journey, consider subscribing to our LinkedIn newsletter, Grief Unapologetically, where we explore all the facets of grief—without judgment and with plenty of compassion.
At the end of the day, how you honor your loved one is entirely up to you. Whether it’s through a big celebration or a private moment of reflection, it’s all valid. Just remember, there’s no need to apologize for grieving your way—and there’s no need to expect anyone else to grieve the way you do.
Grieve unapologetically, and always, always honor your loved ones in the way that feels most authentic to you.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.
