Grieving The Little Old Lady I'll Never Know: My Mom...
There I was, having a casual conversation with someone about their recent, life-altering experience of being thrust into the world of elderly care. Overnight, their life had changed—suddenly filled with the responsibility of caring for an aging parent who could no longer manage on their own. As they spoke about the grief of losing the life they had envisioned for themselves—one that didn’t include elder care at this stage—I felt a familiar pang of empathy. Usually, when someone talks about their mother, whether alive or departed, I can find a thread of shared experience to connect with. But this time, I was at a loss.
You see, my mother’s life stopped at 60. She never got to see her true golden years, and I’ll never know what it means to provide elderly care for her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ll never know if my mom would have remained the mentally sharp, vibrant woman she was, continuing to do the things she loved well into her later years. I’ll never know what my life would have been like if my mother had developed dementia, forgetting who I was, or if she had reached a point where she could no longer take care of her basic needs, like toileting and hygiene. As an only child, that responsibility would have fallen solely on me.
I’ve seen it all: children taking care of their aging parents with the tender care of a newborn, fulfilling every need with love and devotion. I’ve seen others who, for their own deeply personal reasons, have had to place their parents in nursing homes, a decision no one should judge. I’ve witnessed families who dread the day-to-day demands of elder care because of the immense imposition it has caused in their lives, and I’ve seen siblings both fighting over and coming together to share the burden. But as I sat there, reflecting on these stories, a wave of sadness washed over me. I began to grieve for the little old lady I’ll never know—my mom, had she lived beyond 60.
There’s a unique pain in realizing that you’ve been denied the experience of caring for your mother in her old age, a sorrow that mingles with the grief of her early loss. But just like any other form of grief, this, too, needs to be processed.
5 Ways to Process These Emotions:
Acknowledge the Grief: Recognize that you are grieving not just your mother’s death but the future you lost with her. Allow yourself to feel that sadness.
Create a Legacy Project: Honor your mother by creating something in her memory—whether it’s a photo album, a written memoir, or a donation to a cause she cared about.
Find Comfort in Community: Seek out support from those who understand your unique loss, whether through a support group, friends, or a therapist.
Journal Your Thoughts: Writing can be a powerful tool for processing grief. Dedicate a journal to exploring your feelings about what you’ve lost and how you’re coping.
Practice Self-Compassion: It’s easy to get lost in “what if” scenarios. Remember to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the pain you’re experiencing.
Reflection Questions:
How does the absence of your mother in her golden years impact your current understanding of grief?
In what ways can you honor the life your mother lived, even though she never reached old age?
How can you support others who are navigating the complex emotions of elder care, even if your experience is different?
At The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., we offer resources specifically designed for women grieving the loss of their mothers. Whether you’re processing the loss of potential future experiences or navigating the ongoing journey of grief, we’re here to support you.
As I sit with the reality that I’ll never know the little old lady my mom might have become, I’m reminded that grief is not just about the moments we’ve lost, but also about the futures that will never be. It’s a unique and profound sorrow, one that deserves space and attention.
“Grief is the price we pay for love, but sometimes we also grieve for the love we’ll never get to give.”
– Kinyatta Gray, Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc.
In the end, the memories we hold and the love we continue to carry are the legacies that endure, even when life doesn’t unfold the way we imagined.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.
