It's Been 1095 Days Since I Heard Your Voice...Remembering Mom on the 3rd Year Since Her Transition

Today is the 3rd year anniversary of my beloved mother's sudden and untimely passing, Beverly E. Carroll.

Barely 30 minutes in a day would pass without us speaking, but for God, I can't believe I have survived 1095 days without ever hearing her voice again.

Three years later, I am still committed to answering the question of what it's like as an only child of a single parent - to lose a parent. But, before I explore that question again, I want to reflect on critical things that I have learned over the last three years.

I will include a bulleted list of what you should note.

My mom wouldn't believe that this mystery illness called COVID-19 has ravaged the globe and has unexpectedly claimed millions of lives globally. There's no cure and a sketchy mandated vaccine at best. People are still dying. If she were here, she'd be terribly concerned about this affliction and worried sick about all of us and about her ability to be protected from the disease. But she doesn’t have that to worry about now.

She prepared me the best she knew how to think critically about the changes that are happening in the world and how to prepare. I thank her for that.

The Education on People

The biggest thing I have learned post her transition is the education on people. Mom, you'd be disheartened about how little you have been regarded since your passing by people you moved heaven and earth for when you were alive. Unfortunately, acts of inclusion, honor, and remembrance did not come from your church-going, bible-thumping associates (and that's being generous) but rather from those who connected with you in ways I didn't understand until your passing. It was not about what they said; it's about what they did.

Having experienced the reality of "people," I'm better equipped to prepare my children not to expect anything from anyone after I transition. Love, support, honor, and remembrance aren't coming from people (no matter how close they professed to be) past the funeral.

Remember that.

Prepare yourself mentally to realize that those who were in your mom's life when she was alive are not going to walk with you in her death. Hopefully, if you have a supportive spouse, siblings, or a remaining supportive parent -- they will be your source of support. Depend on no one else. If someone steps up, it will be a welcome surprise. Cautiously embrace it.

Memories

People can only share memories if they genuinely made them with you/your loved one when you were living. You make memories by spending time with people you care about. Memories are recorded in many ways, such as making mental notes, taking photographs, social media, and even journaling. If you didn't make your loved one a priority when they were living, my God, it will be hard for you to draw from memories in their death. People can't recall, post, and share what they have never experienced and what they don't have.

Thankfully, every other photo, Facebook memory, archived emails, and text message have provided a good record of my time with my mom.

Take plenty of pictures, take notes of places, events, time, and people. You will rely on this heavily when you're grieving your loss. Don't skimp on this. You will need everything at your disposal to help you remember the good and even the not-so-good times about your mom. You'll either laugh or cry about the not-so-so good times, but those moments were real and worth remembering.

You may leave Reflections about Beverly Carroll here: Honoring Miss Bee

Legacy

I've worked tirelessly to keep my mom's memory alive by honoring her legacy. Primarily because, as her only child, I knew I was the only one that would. These efforts have helped insofar as helping me to have a point of focus and purpose since her transition. For example, with the help of great supporters at THEARC, I accomplished the 1st ever tree planting in my mom's honor on the grounds of THEARC complex. That was so huge, considering how much she loved her tenure at THEARC. In addition, Greenbelt Homes, another of my mom's employers, was the 1st to plant a beautiful red maple in her honor. I loved that so much. Another tremendous honor was when my mom's former employer, the Kletz family, invited my grandson Karter (my mom's great-grandson) to be the ring bearer in their eldest daughter's wedding. Not only that but her name was mentioned along with others whom they loved, who were at the wedding in spirit since they too had transitioned. It was such an incredible gesture of love that my eyes still tear up when I think about it.

My takeaway is that her employers tremendously valued mom's life. She made a tremendous impact in their lives and by what she gave of herself.

Those were the few moments I didn't feel alone in trying to honor my mom.

Since my mom's passing, I have released four published books in the last three years, and 12 published guided journals and diaries. My mom was an avid reader, writer, and journaled. This was one of the primary ways I felt I could stay connected to her spirit by doing what she once enjoyed doing.

Identify ways to honor the legacy of your mom. I have created a list of 25 ways to honor a loved one after they have transitioned. The best way I can explain it is you'll experience a sense of peace when working selflessly to honor your loved one. There's an indescribable feeling of finding your purpose and meaning in the world when you are struggling to figure out your purpose in life after experiencing a traumatic loss.

Be Open To Receiving Love

True love and continual support will come from those you least expect -- not the ones you felt your loved one was closest to. Believe me when I tell you that. But hopefully, it will also come from those you share your home with (spouse, etc.). So often, when people are grieving, they become very withdrawn because they are in pain. Know the difference between your being withdrawn and genuinely not having support. If you are withdrawn, you may need professional help not to shut out people who want nothing more than to love and support you. This is critical because you'll need a shoulder to cry on, and it has to be someone you trust that's in it for the long haul and not pressuring you to bounce back two weeks after suffering a traumatic loss.

Remember that your close supporters have lost your loved one too, but the loss may not impact them as profoundly as you. However, if you shut them out, you're lessening the chances of feeling love and support. Love makes you feel alive, safe, valued, and cared for in your time of grief. Allow genuine love to flow.

Give Yourself Grace and Time

The biggest lesson I have learned is despite it all, your relationship with your departed loved one is what matters the most, and you must give yourself grace and time to heal. Healing looks different for everyone, and the road to healing looks different for everyone. What I know for sure is the more profound the love, the deeper the grief. Grief changes you mentally and physically forever. You will never be the same person you were before the traumatic loss. You won't go back to work and be the same person. But, if you work hard to survive it, you will emerge a different human being with a different worldview and, quite frankly, a different heart. Glimpses of the old you may emerge from time to time, but by and large, a traumatic loss resets everything about you because the world you knew is no longer the same place without your loved one.

However, through spiritual connections ( I don't mean a church building), I mean your connection to energies, the light source, God, self-care, self-love, mental health strategies, love, and genuine support, you can emerge a different version of yourself who his productive, loveable, worthy, joyous and redeemable.

As you can see, I have observed, absorbed, and reflected a lot over the last three years. I hope that I have made my mother more than proud and that I have done right by the one person who gave me everything and equipped me with the many things I needed to survive without her.

I also hope that you are inspired never to abandon your loved one's spirit.

To answer the question of what it’s like to lose your mom, (depending on the nature of the relationship you share with your mom) it is the most unimaginable, unbearable, excruciating, gut-wrenching, nightmarish heartbreak, that you have to learn to live with.

If you're reading this blog and are motivated to leave a reflection for my mom, Beverly Carroll, I have created this space: Honoring Miss Bee, her memorial website. This is not a transactional website. No one will sell you anything, nor will you be added to a mailing list. It is a sacred space I created with resources, memories, and images of my mom for those who love her.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a published author, blogger, and CEO of FlightInStilettos, LLC. Kinyatta is also the founder of the Stylish Writing Center, created to honor her mom's legacy. Gray has been featured in vast media outlets and is an inspirational speaker about Leaving Legacies and is a Grief, Mental Health, and Domestic Abuse Survivor Advocate.

Remembering Mom on the 3rd Year Since Her Transition