Should I Talk About My Plans with My Mom to My Friend Whose Mom Recently Died?

Ah, the awkward moment when you find yourself wondering, "Should I talk about my mom with my friend who recently lost hers?" Trust me, this is not an easy question to answer, and many of us find ourselves in this tight spot at one point or another. But let me help break it down for you, because there are ways to navigate these murky waters without causing unnecessary pain or discomfort.

First things first: How recently did your friend lose her mom? Grief is not linear, and the timeline for emotional recovery is different for everyone. Is your friend fresh into her grief journey, barely out of the fog of those early days? Or has it been a few years, and she seems to have found a new rhythm? Understanding where she’s at will help guide your conversation.

Now, here's the kicker: Is it absolutely necessary to share those juicy details about your weekend getaway with your mom, knowing your friend is still raw from her loss? We all value open communication, but come on, reading the room is essential. We’re not saying you should avoid ever mentioning your mom again, but maybe ease into it? Consider your friend's emotional state and recognize that she might not be ready to engage in that particular conversation—yet.

Here’s where I get personal. I remember returning to work after my mom died. I was still numb, and there I was, sitting in a staff meeting where a co-worker couldn't stop talking about her mom. She rambled on about how close they were, all their future plans, and how devastating it would be if anything ever happened to her. Y’all, I was literally sitting there thinking, “Girl, read the room.”

Did I remove myself from the conversation? No. But after two minutes, I mentally checked out. I mastered the art of tuning out anything that triggered me. Early grief has a way of making you hyper-aware of conversations like that—conversations that, frankly, just hurt.

But here’s the thing: time changes everything. Fast-forward a few years, and those conversations no longer hurt the way they once did. In fact, I look forward to hearing people talk about their moms now. I genuinely enjoy wishing others a "Happy Mother's Day" or a "Happy Birthday" to their moms, especially those blessed enough to have mothers who have outlived mine.

But the reality of mother-loss is universal. As much as people try to understand what it's like to walk in my shoes, no one can fully grasp it unless they've been through it. Yet, deep down, I know one day they’ll experience it too. And that’s when it hits me—what truly hurts is knowing the inevitable awaits them too. It’s a painful reality, but one we all must face.

If you’re someone navigating a delicate conversation about your mom with a grieving friend, the best advice I can give is to be sensitive. Don’t shy away from your life or your relationship with your mom—just be mindful. Your friend will get to a place where your stories no longer sting, but until then, be compassionate.

For those who are grieving or supporting a grieving friend, The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. is a resource for understanding grief, learning how to carry it, and supporting others through their journey. We offer emotional support, education, and a community of women who understand the deep, personal loss of a mother. Visit us for more resources and programs that can help navigate these challenging times.

Reflect on this:

1. Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation where you didn’t know if you should talk about your mom to a grieving friend? How did you handle it?

2. If you were in your friend's shoes, what would you want to hear—or not hear—about someone else's mom?

3. How can we support each other, knowing that grief is something we will all experience eventually?

At the end of the day, grief is personal, unpredictable, and ever-changing. But being mindful of your friend’s journey can make all the difference. And when in doubt, always choose kindness.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.