Should We Expect Others to Remember Our Deceased Loved One's Birthdays and Other Significant Days?

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mommy! The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the legacy of my beloved mother, Beverly E. Carroll.

Today is my mother’s birthday, and as I sit here I find myself pondering a question that many of us who have lost loved ones grapple with: Should we expect others to remember our deceased loved one’s birthdays and other significant days?

I say it depends. If it’s my spouse or siblings, absolutely yes. They are expected to remember – though I don’t expect them to share the intensity or the emotional depth that I may feel on these days. After all, grief is a personal journey, and the way it manifests can be as unique as the relationship we had with our loved one.

On the other hand, I don’t expect acquaintances, co-workers, or even most friends to remember these significant days. Mainly because after the first few weeks of the loss, they are no longer impacted by my grief and have largely moved on with their own lives. They aren’t involved in the intimate aspects of my healing process. Life goes on for everyone else, and expecting people to remember and cherish days that are important to me, even if they once loved my person, seems a bit unrealistic.

Sure, it would be nice if they did remember, but I don’t expect it, nor would my feelings be hurt by it. Grief can be a lonely road sometimes, and part of the journey is understanding that others may not walk it as closely with you as you’d like.

What Do You Think?

Here are a few tips on how not to become discouraged if other people don’t recognize or acknowledge significant days related to your loved one:

1. Remind Yourself of Their Lives: Remember that everyone has their own life and their own struggles. Just because they don’t remember doesn’t mean they don’t care.

2. Create Your Own Traditions: Make the day special in your own way. Whether it’s lighting a candle, visiting a favorite spot, or simply taking a moment to reflect, find your own personal way to honor your loved one.

3. Communicate Your Needs: If it’s important to you that someone remembers, don’t hesitate to let them know. Sometimes, a gentle reminder is all it takes.

4. Lean on Your Support System: Reach out to those who you know will be there for you, even if it’s just to share a memory or a moment of silence.

5. Use Resources Available: Remember, The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. is here with culturally competent, relatable, and easy-to-read resources to help you navigate life’s greatest challenges.

Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, and how we handle significant dates is part of that journey. So, if your co-worker doesn’t remember your mom’s birthday, it’s okay. You remember, and that’s what matters most.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.