Should You Cultivate a Relationship With the Absent Parent, When The Single Parent (That Raised You) Dies?

I will not shame absent parents in this article. Instead, I want to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue based on my experience. I hope this piece sparks reflection, especially if you are in a similar situation.

Imagine being raised by a single parent—a great single parent who never spoke ill of the absent parent, except to share their perceptions of why they are raising you alone. All your emotional support, financial support, affirmation, love, tenderness, and bonds are shared with the only person who loves you the way a parent should. After all, you didn’t ask to be born.

The single parent knows everything about you, from your progress from birth through adulthood. They understand every look on your face, they see when you’re irritated or when you just need their hug and kiss. You’ve only known their cooking, their sacrifices, and their unwavering dedication to ensuring you have a decent life.

Then, the single parent suddenly dies.

The only parent left is the absent parent.

This is where things get complicated. Do you instantly yearn for the absent parent's love and presence in your life? Or do you continue to honor their absence?

The absent parent is essentially a familiar stranger. They know your name and date of birth, and maybe they see a resemblance, but they can't recount the milestones of your life—your favorite teacher, your favorite food, your triumphs and struggles.

Their lack of familiarity with you deepens your longing for the single parent who is now gone. The secure bond and trust you had with the single parent are irreplaceable.

You may feel a sense of duty to honor the absent parent at a fundamental level because of how you were raised. But you can't yearn for something you've never experienced from them. The absent parent may not even know where to begin to repair what was broken, so they might continue to exist in the only space they know—away from you.

What do you do? By adulthood, you've learned to function without the absent parent. It's like they died first, and you had to learn to live without them.

You have two options: force a new relationship with the absent parent, hoping to feel what's missing from the deceased parent, or find a neutral place in your heart to honor them while protecting yourself.

Your heart is already broken from losing the single parent. You can't afford to have it shattered again by the absent parent.

As adults, we must accept life as it is. Harboring resentment or ill will toward the absent parent won’t change the past. It might be worth exploring the absent parent’s family dynamic; sometimes, answers lie there.

Ultimately, there’s no objective justification for being a voluntarily absent parent. When you're absent, the only memory the impacted child will have is of you not being there.

I grieved my mother alone, without the absent parent. What would you do?

Reflection Questions

1. Who has provided you with the most support in your life, and how has their presence shaped you?

2. What feelings arise when you think about the absent parent?

3. How do you navigate trust and relationships after experiencing abandonment?

4. What steps can you take to protect your heart while honoring the absent parent?

5. How can understanding the absent parent’s background help you in your healing process?

Grief and Loss Worksheet - Processing Your Thoughts and Feelings

1. Identify Your Support System:

- List the people who have been there for you consistently.

- Reflect on specific instances when their support was crucial.

2. Express Your Feelings:

- Write a letter to the absent parent expressing your feelings. You don’t have to send it.

- Describe how their absence affected you and what you would like them to know.

3. Evaluate Your Trust:

- What does trust mean to you now?

- List three people you trust and explain why.

4. Set Boundaries:

- Define what boundaries you need to feel safe in your relationships.

- Plan how you will communicate these boundaries to others.

5. Explore Forgiveness:

- Reflect on what forgiveness means to you.

- Write about what it would take for you to forgive the absent parent, if that’s something you want to pursue.

Gray is not a mental health professional and is sharing her personal experiences. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, call 911 immediately.

Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.