Them: “That’s Not How I Meant It” -- You: "But That's How You Said It" : The Importance of Thoughtful Words in Grief
Let’s be real: We’ve all had those moments where we’ve said something, and the second it leaves our lips, we wish we could snatch it back. But when it comes to grief, those seemingly innocent “oops” moments can cut deeper than we realize.
As someone who has walked the winding, often rocky road of grief, and now as a Grief Educator and Mentor, I’ve heard it all. From the well-meaning but cringe-worthy “She’s in a better place” to the unintentional gut-punch of “At least she lived a long life.” And when the tears start welling up, what do you often hear? “Oh, that’s not how I meant it!”
Here’s the thing: I know you didn’t mean to make it worse. But words have power. They can comfort, uplift, and heal. Or they can wound, isolate, and push people away—especially when they’re already in pain. So let’s chat about why it’s so crucial to be gentle and thoughtful with our words, particularly when someone is grieving.
Why Words Matter in Grief
When a person is grieving, they’re already in a vulnerable state. The loss of a loved one can feel like an open wound, and the wrong words—even those meant with the best intentions—can feel like salt being rubbed in. When you say something that’s not thoughtful, it can teach the person grieving that they can’t come to you for support when they’re having a particularly rough time. They may start to feel that you’re not a safe space, which is the last thing you want when someone you care about is in pain.
A Checklist Before You Speak to Someone Grieving
To help you navigate these delicate conversations, I’ve put together a handy checklist. Consider it your “think before you speak” guide:
Pause and Reflect:
Ask yourself: Is what I’m about to say really helpful? Will it bring comfort or might it unintentionally cause pain?
Avoid Comparisons:
Grief is unique to each person. Avoid saying things like, “I know how you feel,” because even if you’ve experienced loss, their grief is their own.
Steer Clear of Clichés:
Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” can come off as dismissive, even if you mean well.
Validate Their Feelings:
Instead of offering solutions or silver linings, simply acknowledge their pain. Try, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or “It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.”
Ask if They Want to Share:
Sometimes, just offering to listen can be the best support. “I’m here if you want to talk about it,” can be a lifeline.
Keep It Simple:
A heartfelt “I’m so sorry for your loss” is often enough. Don’t feel pressured to fill the silence with words—sometimes, your presence alone is what matters most.
When All Else Fails, Listen and Love
If you’re not confident in your ability to share words that heal and ease the soul, it’s perfectly okay to say nothing at all. Just be there. Listen without judgment. Offer a hug, a hand to hold, or simply sit in silence with them. Your quiet presence can speak volumes more than words ever could.
Final Thoughts
Grief is a journey, and the road can be rough. But with thoughtfulness, kindness, and compassion, you can help ease someone’s burden rather than add to it. And remember, if you’re ever unsure of what to say or how to support, it’s okay to lean on resources that can guide you.
As always, The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. is here to help. We offer free resources, grief journals, and learning videos to help you become grief literate. Because in times of loss, being there for each other in the right way is the greatest gift we can give.
So next time you find yourself in a conversation with someone who’s grieving, keep this checklist in mind. And when in doubt, choose to listen and love—because sometimes, that’s exactly what they need the most.
Kinyatta E. Gray is a Certified Master Coach, Grief Educator, Author, and Founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. Gray writes about grief and loss for women grieving the loss of their mothers. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to honor the memory of the late Beverly E. Carroll, Kinyatta's Mother.