When Grief Meets New Pain: Processing Hurtful Moments Years Later

Grief has a way of surprising us. Just when you think you’ve found a way to carry it, something unexpected happens, and it feels like the wound has been reopened. Recently, I experienced something deeply hurtful that I’m still trying to put into words. Six years ago, my stepfather did not attend my mother’s funeral. The absence was painful, but I made peace with it—or so I thought.

But just days ago, He showed up for my mother’s best friend’s funeral. It felt like a punch to the gut. Seeing him put in the effort to show up for someone else—someone connected to my mother—brought a flood of emotions I wasn’t prepared for. Grief, anger, confusion, betrayal—it all collided in a way I hadn’t felt in years.

If you’ve ever experienced something similar, you know how disorienting it can be. Moments like this reopen old wounds and create new layers of pain that are hard to untangle. Here’s what I’ve learned—and am still learning—about processing these moments when grief meets unexpected hurt:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions Fully

When something feels this painful, the first step is to give yourself permission to feel everything—without judgment. For me, the anger and betrayal felt almost overwhelming. But I’ve learned that these emotions don’t make me bitter or weak—they make me human. It’s okay to feel hurt when someone’s actions don’t align with what you believe your loved one, or you, deserved.

2. Recognize the Source of the Pain

In moments like these, the pain isn’t just about the action itself—it’s about what it represents. For me, my stepfather’s absence at my mother’s funeral symbolized a lack of respect, connection, and care for our family. Seeing him show up for someone else’s funeral felt like a confirmation of that narrative. Naming the deeper hurt helped me better understand why this moment was so painful.

3. Understand It’s About Him, Not You

This was the hardest truth to accept: his choices reflect his own limitations, not my mother’s worth or mine. My mother was, and always will be, deserving of honor and respect. His absence doesn’t change that. His decision to attend someone else’s funeral is about him—it doesn’t diminish the love and reverence others (and I) have for her.

4. Grieve the New Layer of Loss

Sometimes, moments like this bring a new kind of grief—a grief for the relationship you wish you’d had or for the support you didn’t receive. It’s okay to grieve this too. Grief isn’t linear, and it doesn’t expire. Each new hurt can add a layer, but acknowledging and working through it can also deepen your growth and resilience.

5. Seek Support When You Need It

You don’t have to navigate these feelings alone. Talking to someone—a trusted friend, a family member, or even a therapist—can help you process the pain. For me, writing has always been a lifeline. Putting my feelings into words, whether privately or publicly, helps me sort through the tangled mess of emotions and find clarity.

6. Remember: Your Loved One’s Worth Is Unchanged

At the heart of it all, I hold onto this truth: my mother’s worth is not defined by who showed up for her funeral. Her life, her legacy, and her impact remain powerful and meaningful, regardless of others’ choices. And my love for her will always be louder than any absence.

If you’ve been through something similar, know that you’re not alone. Moments like these are painful reminders of grief’s complexity, but they also hold the potential for growth and healing. Be patient with yourself. Grief is messy, but it’s also a testament to the love we carry.

Kinyatta
Founder, The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc.

About Kinyatta E. Gray
Kinyatta E. Gray is an author, entrepreneur, and founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., a nonprofit that provides compassionate support to women who have lost their mothers. Since her mother’s passing, Kinyatta has turned her grief into a driving force, building a legacy that speaks to resilience, purpose, and healing. She has published several books, launched a successful nonprofit, and created programs that help others navigate the path of loss.

Me & You, Mommy….