When the “What If” Becomes Reality
My mother, Miss Bee, had a habit of asking “what if” questions. It was her way of starting deep conversations, and I think, in some way, she wanted to prepare me for life’s uncertainties. But there was one question she asked over the years that I absolutely hated.
“What if I die? How would you handle it? What would my funeral be like?”
I would squirm. I would change the subject. I would throw up my hands in protest. Anything to avoid speaking those words into the universe. I didn’t want to imagine life without her. But still, she asked. And being the daughter she raised me to be, I indulged her because I never wanted to disrespect her thoughts or silence what she felt she needed to say.
Now, I see it for what it was. She wasn’t just asking me to test my reaction. She wanted to know—deep in her soul—that I would love her just as fiercely in death as I did in life. That I would honor her. That I would carry her with me, even after she was gone.
And then it happened.
The “what if” became real.
And it wasn’t a fleeting question anymore. It was a catastrophic blow to my world. A shattering of my heart and psyche that no amount of preparation could have softened. My life changed as I knew it. The funeral that once made me queasy to even think about—I was suddenly responsible for planning. The grief I spent years avoiding—I was drowning in it.
Now, I don’t engage in “what if” conversations anymore—not with my children. I don’t ask them to imagine my death. I don’t test their emotions with questions about how they would cope. Instead, I’ve quietly made arrangements. I’ve put things in place to assist them when that time comes. Because having to plan a funeral for your parent is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I recognize not everyone has a reverence or love for their mother like I do. Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. For some, the weight of planning a funeral is suffocating. For others, it’s a relief. And that’s the complexity of love, loss, and the relationships we have with our mothers.
Five Alternative Questions to Ask Instead of “What If I Die?”
If you’re a parent who wants to prepare your children for the unexpected without the emotional weight of “what if” questions, here are five alternative ways to approach it:
“What brings you the most comfort when you’re struggling?”
– This helps gauge how your child copes with difficult emotions and what they might need in a time of loss.“What family traditions do you love the most and want to keep alive?”
– A way to ensure that your legacy, values, and special traditions carry on.“If you could bottle up one memory of us together forever, what would it be?”
– Encourages reflection on love and connection rather than loss.“If I ever couldn’t speak for myself, what do you think I would want?”
– A way to have important conversations about wishes, but without framing it around death.“How can I support you now in ways that will still help you later?”
– This opens the door to discussing emotional, financial, and practical support in a loving way.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a “what if” question and later had to live through its reality, I see you. I feel you. And you’re not alone. The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. is here as a resource for women navigating the loss of their mothers. We don’t just talk about grief in theory—we live it. We breathe through it. And we find ways to honor our mothers while still honoring ourselves.
Let’s keep this conversation going—how do you prepare for life’s uncertainties without burdening your loved ones?
About Kinyatta E. Gray
Kinyatta E. Gray is an author, entrepreneur, and founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., a nonprofit that provides compassionate support to women who have lost their mothers. Since her mother’s passing, Kinyatta has turned her grief into a driving force, building a legacy that speaks to resilience, purpose, and healing. She has published several books, launched a successful nonprofit, and created programs that help others navigate the path of loss.