When You Lose Your Mom, You Lose More Than One Person
Six years ago, my world was turned upside down. I lost my mom. But over time, I came to realize something far deeper: I didn’t just lose my mom—I lost the multitude of roles she played in my life. And with each role she filled, a different layer of grief emerged, making the pain feel insurmountable at times.
My mom was extraordinary. She didn’t just raise me—she loved me in ways she had never been loved herself. As a woman who grew up in an adoptive family that didn’t offer her the love and compassion she deserved, she poured every ounce of what she had into me. That kind of unconditional love creates a bond that transcends words and labels.
My mom wasn’t just my mother. She was:
My best friend, the one person who knew every corner of my heart.
My confidant, who held my secrets like sacred treasures.
My spiritual advisor, pointing me back to faith when life felt unbearable.
My biggest cheerleader, clapping the loudest even when I doubted myself.
My sister, sharing in laughter and sisterly banter.
My aunt, always looking out for me in the most nurturing ways.
My fashion consultant, making sure I showed up looking fabulous.
My medical advisor, Googling remedies and telling me what to do.
My shoulder to lean on, who never told me to "toughen up" but let me cry.
My relationship coach, giving advice with humor and wisdom.
My voice of reason, always steady when life was chaotic.
Losing her was like losing an entire village. It wasn’t just the absence of one person; it was the absence of all the parts of her that held my life together. Each role she played left a void, and those voids often collided, leaving me feeling as though I had lost my entire support system in one devastating moment.
The Impact of Losing Someone Who Wore So Many Hats
When you lose someone who filled so many roles, the layers of grief can feel impossible to untangle. The grief is not just for their physical absence, but also for the countless ways their presence shaped your daily life. It’s not just about missing her hugs; it’s about missing the reassurance in her voice. It’s not just about the advice she gave; it’s about the void her absence leaves when you need guidance the most.
The pain is profound because it touches every aspect of your being. And the truth is, learning to live without all of these roles takes time, patience, and a whole lot of grace.
5 Ways to Manage This Complex Grief
Acknowledge Every Role She Played
Write down all the roles your loved one played in your life. Seeing it in black and white can help you honor those roles while also beginning to separate them so they don’t overwhelm you all at once.Seek Out New Sources of Support
While no one can replace your mom, finding people who can step into some of those roles—a trusted friend, a mentor, or a spiritual advisor—can help you feel supported as you navigate forward.Create Rituals to Honor Her
Dedicate time to keep her memory alive, whether through journaling, lighting a candle, or even wearing something of hers that reminds you of her presence.Talk About It
Share your feelings with others who have experienced similar losses. Grief support groups like The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. provide a safe space for you to connect and heal with others who understand.Allow Yourself to Feel All of It
Grief is messy and unpredictable. Allow yourself to feel every layer of pain, joy, and love without judgment. Healing requires you to give yourself permission to grieve.
3 Reflection Questions to Explore
What role did your mom play in your life that you miss the most? How has her absence in that role affected you?
Are there ways you can honor the roles your mom played while finding new ways to fulfill those needs?
Who in your life now can help support you as you navigate this layered grief?
The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc. exists to provide community, resources, and tools for those navigating the complexities of grief. Our free resources and programs are designed to meet you wherever you are on your grief journey.
Remember: the loss is profound because the love was extraordinary. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
"Grief may change you, but it never erases the love you shared."
—Kinyatta E. Gray
About Kinyatta E. Gray
Kinyatta E. Gray is an author, entrepreneur, and founder of The Heart of Miss Bee, Inc., a nonprofit that provides compassionate support to women who have lost their mothers. Since her mother’s passing, Kinyatta has turned her grief into a driving force, building a legacy that speaks to resilience, purpose, and healing. She has published several books, launched a successful nonprofit, and created programs that help others navigate the path of loss.
